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Pool Floats

pool floats

We need to talk about pool floats. I am talking about everything from the iconic foam noodles all the way on up to the giant inflatable unicorn float that has taken the world by storm. Makers of pool toys...what is goin' on in your life bro? What tragedy are you dealing with that is making your art bleed through into commercial production of inflatable pool floats that look like they crawled out of a Salvador Dali painting and directly into my pool? This madness has to end!


While the rest of the world marches triumphantly towards impending annihilation, makers and designers of swimming pool floats are, apparently, all taking heavy doses of LSD in the workplace to come down from the extended ether benders that they take in their spare time. I can't confirm any of this...I am just speculating based on the insane devolving world of pool inflatables that, within the span of a few short years, has already begun to be a parody on itself with the vast majority of sales being for novelty items so ridiculous (or dangerous) that they never actually get used.


What an absurdly genius business plan. Invent a product that is not useful for the only purpose it has. Warranty doesn't matter because nobody is ever going to use it, and assuming that someone did use it, and broke it, they are unlikely to bother returning anyway. So this allows you to make it out of whatever cheap junk is readily available to you, and as long as the product can be stood up and paraded in front of the recipient, at least once, then you are good to go. I do not know whether I should be mad, or in awe of the smartest business people on the planet getting insanely wealthy from second rate inflatable pineapples.





Why an inflatable taco of all things? Do tacos relate to pools in some abstract way that I am altogether unfamiliar with? I mean everyone loves tacos but I am just not seeing the connection. The only reason that I can come up with is the shape of a taco is somewhat generically useful as a rectangle pool float...but then why does this company also make this preposterously unuseful inflatable margarita pool float?






An inflatable diamond ring? Is this for serious? I just can't see anybody picking this item because they want to actually float around in their pool holding onto the relative comfort of an inflatable tetrahedron. Just does not jive to me. So here you have a pool float which I suspect was never intended to be floating in a pool at all. The person who designed this pool float is about as subtle as a mother asking about grand babies for the zillionth time.






Nothing strange or suggestive going on here. I'm just gonna strip down to my underwear and me and my big ole giant pickle are gunna go for a little dip. Yeah that's right. I don't mean to brag but my big ole dill pickle float is definitely bigger than the other guy. And don't worry if you are all like "but I don't want a giant pickle" cause I got you covered. Covered with my giant inflatable banana...awww yeah.





Okay I take back my comments about the pickle and banana pool floats. Those are just regular pool floats. This however is a giant golden cock raft...in case you need one of those. The makers of this pool float made no attempt to disguise this toy as something it is not. Bring me a huge golden penis that I may rest upon as I float about my river of solitude...whatever you want Cleopatra. Just don't go getting yourself bit by a snake when you discover your cock-raft has a hole in it.




This beer pong inflatable just should not exist. How does the designer of a pool toy decide to marry two more incompatible subjects as drinking games and swimming? Although I must admit that beer pong is already challenging enough on its own, but when you take that already challenging game into deep water, well now you have a real life or death quality game on your hands and with those kinds of stakes how could it not be fun? Seriously have these people never heard of lawyers before because even I, a lowly pool guy, can see how this game might place your company in somewhat of an actionable position.




The last product might have put the makers in an actionable legal position...but the makers of this game don't give a rats ass about any of that business. If you need a spinal injury and you need it NOW then get yourself this inflatable bucking bronco game and challenge your friends to see who does not get to walk home at the end of the night. When I was a kid we had a ball. If I was lucky sometimes there would be a rock on the bottom of the pool and my job would be to go get it. Good times. Kids today shooting a snapchat video on their waterproof tablet while on an inflatable bull in a swimming pool and they are still not happy. I just don't know what to think anymore. These pool floats are giving me an existential crisis.




Pardon me you want to play with my what? Oh, you want to play cornhole. Nah dog...I'm good. You can go ahead and cornhole yourself bruh. Makers of this game...what's up? Are we just not even trying anymore? Should I just go ahead and launch my own line of pool squirt guns called the finger blasters? Is that where we are going now? Get ahold of yourself. You don't need to count on your cornhole to bring in the money. There are other ways! Better ways where nobody needs to get cornholed.






What.






The.






Hell.

How big does your pool float need to be? Can't it just be enough that you have enough clean water that you can float and play and frolic in it? Why do you need you and 20 of your closest friends to be able to row inflatable viking ships around your 16' x 32' kidney shaped pool? Can't you just swim around? Maybe close your eyes and say "Marco" and see what happens? I'll tell you what happens...nothing happens. Nobody cares. Who is Marco and why would I close my eyes if I am looking for him? And really, aren't we all a fish out of water in one way or another?






Don't you have any self respect? Water we doin' here bro? You just gonna be a magical octopus in the pool and I'm just supposed to pretend that this is okay? That's not how this works...that's not how any of this works! You are my financial advisor. You can be a magical octopus, unda da sea, or you can be my accountant Todd...you can't be both.





You need an inflatable island? You don't even need a cottage anymore because you can just buy this and drop it in any lake, ocean, or body of water you want and now you have your own personal (and inflatable) island paradise. This unit comes optionally with an inflatable 9.9 HP Mercruiser four stroke outboard, Navionics enabled inflatable Garmin GPS fish finder and sonar combo, along with an inflatable anchor, inflatable ropes, riggings and sails, and this Jack Sparrow voodoo doll. Okay I made all of that stuff up. If you want the inflatable outboard and voodoo doll you will have to order them separately. Perhaps this float would be better suited for lakes rather than pools.


And so it was that the landscape of swimming pools changed forever. Gone are the days of whiling away the summer hours, beating the heat with the luxury of a swimming pool...the envy of neighborhood kids. Have a beach ball to bat around and put together a volleyball game perhaps. Now swimming pools are more about grandstanding...who has the biggest pool float, and whose pool float is more sexually vulgar. I presume that by 2030 pool floats will all be gigantic inflatable robotic genitalia that swims around and copulates with each other. This world stopped making sense to me a long time ago but this anomaly of pool floats becoming a parody of themselves with form outweighing function misses me completely. Perhaps I am not the target demographic. Would you buy any of these pool floats?


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Swimming Pool Steve

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