Celebrities Who Would Suck At Maintaining Their Own Pool
As a swimming pool and spa expert as well as being a blogger I have an obligation to the public to write baseless facts about people I have never met and who are rich and powerful enough to buy and sell me. In this example I am using my pool guru clairvoyance to determine which celebrities would suck at taking care of their own pools. Fortunately rich and famous personalities have enough money to pay professionals to take care of things like pool maintenance for them...but what if they didn't? This is a list of 15 celebrities who would suck at maintaining their own pool if the work was left up to them.
Joe Rogan - Sorry Joe, but you would be terrible at maintaining your pool. The floor of his pool would be covered in kettlebell stains within two weeks. After exhaustive research on the potential to use THC metabolites as an alternative to chemical sanitizers Joe would probably lose interest and move onto more interesting topics like searching for Bigfoot or wheel kicking peoples faces off. After a (disastrously) failed attempt to convert his diatomaceous earth filter to a dimethyltryptamine filter, Joe would finally give up and call for an expert to maintain his pool, spa and isolation tank for him...except he is now in a coma from absorbing 200 lbs of pure DMT transdermally. Despite actually seeing this happen in person, inexplicably Eddie Bravo does not believe that Joe is actually in a coma, instead choosing to believe that the weight of the flat world is holding his aura down preventing him from moving.
Keith Richards - Keith would be terrible at maintaining his own swimming pool. You just know that he would be the "typical" customer who does not follow any of the industry standard processes. He would put chlorine pucks in the skimmer, he would test his water chemistry by judging how the water looks, his CYA would be at over 200 ppm and his phosphate levels would be over 10,000 parts per million. His water should be acidic enough to cook shrimp in and yet the pool would be absolutely perfectly crystal clear and clean all the time, and his equipment would be original from the pool installation over 40 years ago and still working great. How do you do it Keith? Tell us!
Jeff Bridges - The Dude would be the worst at maintaining his pool because he simply would not do it. No matter how much you might tell him that it needs to be balanced and maintained chemically he would just never get around to doing it. No, pouring an occasional white russian into the pool does not count as maintaining the water chemistry. Not even if you pour the vodka and the milk in separately to allow them each to diffuse in the water. The Dude would have the only pool in the world that has a carpet down covering the floor of the shallow end - you know...to really pull the pool together.
Hunter S. Thompson - It was hot as hell and it was making my ears ring. The ether was wearing off but the LSD wasn't kicking in yet. I needed to smooth the transition with some Kentucky Bourbon and a shot glass full of Quaaludes. A dip in the hot tub followed by a jump in the pool should shock my system enough to jump start the acid. I crawled to the spa edge but it was black and probably haunted. The water was thick like snot and I could see someone looking back at me up through the water. I pulled my piece and shot him. I shot him good right between the eyes. All this shooting must have fixed the haunted water since it all disappeared. Good. Who needs haunted water. But we can't go back now. Who wants a normal water? Maybe I should check the pool. Just as I expected...haunted also. We're going to need bigger guns I think. If I can just manage to slip past that pack of three legged dogs that has been following me around. Maybe that is just the acid kicking in. Those dogs might have four legs.
Paris Hilton - Paris Hilton would be terrible at maintaining her own pool. She would probably tweet about it a lot and pose for a bunch of selfies in front of it but her chemical maintenance schedule of occasionally looking at the pool with disgust would leave much to be desired. The pool would be as big as a small lake so it would take a while for the water to turn...but eventually it would turn green. This is when Paris would discover that she has a lot of natural skill with the skimmer pole. She would go on to become even more famous after a candid video of her vacuuming the pool at night goes viral due to her incredible ability to work the pole.
Liam Neeson - Liam Neeson you might think would be good at maintaining his pool but his pool would almost certainly be a slimy green disaster. When researching his pool maintenance schedule online he found some bad information in an online forum from 2003. Ever since Liam has disappeared - searching the globe to find the person that wrote that information. He has a certain set of skills and he will use them to track that guy down. In the meantime his pool has been sitting stagnant for the past four months.
Steven Seagal - Steven Seagal would not be good at maintaining his own pool simply due to the fact that it is impossible to read accurate water testing results through yellow tinted shooting range glasses. He could just take them off, even for only a second to read the test results, but he refuses. Eventually the water would become so toxic that it would become radioactive and the target of a covert terrorist attack. Terrorists will have a hard time infiltrating Steven's pool area due to his 7th degree black belt in Aikido and his 400 pound frame. Just as long as the terrorists don't hide up a flight of stairs since his rascal scooter can't get up there. The video footage of these events from Steven's home security cameras were edited together and sent straight to DVD.
Tom Cruise - Tom Cruise would probably have the best of intentions but his swimming pool would suffer if left to him to maintain. It would not take long for his pool to turn on him and Tom would do what everyone else does and turn to the internet to research the problem. After doing extensive research Tom would identify the problem and invite Oprah over for a pool party. Together they would spend the night following the advice that Tom read online about just throwing money at your pool to fix it. He and Oprah would spend hours dumping suitcases of bills into the pool but no matter how much money they throw at it the pool still would not look right. In fact, all that money hardly seems like it's helping at all. Maybe he should have his water tested for Thetans?
Hulk Hogan - The Hulkster would be bad at maintaining his own pool. He would probably buy a commercial sized floating chlorine dispenser and fill it with Flintstone chewable vitamins (and a few illegal Mexican supplements). Despite these efforts the pool would fail to become stronger and Hulk would quickly develop an oil slick of human runoff floating in his pool. If you are reading this Hulkster let me try to explain it in a lingo you can dig - I tell you what brother...you gotta say your prayers and eat your vitamins so you can wrap those 24 inch pythons around a jug of chlorine brother and dump it in the pool every now and again.
Snoop Dogg - Snoop Dogg (Snoop Lion?) is a smart and charismatic guy but there is simply no way that he would be able to take care of a swimming pool on his own. Without meticulous note taking he would almost certainly forget what chemicals he added and what he needs to put in next. In fact he forgot to buy chemicals for his pool this week. Actually, he forgot which wing of his mansion the pool was in. In fact, he forgot...he never got a pool! He was going to get some quotes on one but, you know, he forgot.
Taylor Swift - Taylor Swift might actually be able to take care of her own swimming pool and hot tub maintenance herself because she is- YO TAYLOR, I'm real happy for you. Imma' let you finish...but Beyonce has some of the best water chemistry of all time. One of the best swimming pools of all time!
Steve-O - Steve-O from the Jackass gang would be absolutely terrible at maintaining his own swimming pool. First of all, I don't think there is a person crazy enough in this world to swim in a pool that Steve-O or any of the Jackass crew owns. It is probably filled with turds or horse semen or something. Also, it is hard to care about something that you can never use. Since Steve-O is perpetually in casts for broken bones he never actually gets to use the pool at all so why bother maintaining it. The worst part is he even had that apartment building installed directly next to the pool edge so he can practice jumping off of it into the pool. What a waste of money.
Bill Cosby - Oh no you didn't...Oh yes I did. Bill Cosby would definitely struggle to keep his pool clean, clear and well maintained if it were all up to him. While the idea of construction and swimming pools are not something he is experienced with, Bill seems to have a strong aptitude for dissolving things in water which should be an advantage for him when it comes to water chemistry maintenance. Unfortunately making pH corrections with colored Jell-O powder is not the right way to get the color of your pH test in the right range.
Richard Simmons - You know what...Richard might actually be good at taking care of his pool because he seems like an incredibly motivated and disciplined person. Honestly, just the thought of him scurrying around trying to perform regular maintenance tasks seems hilarious to me. Just don't be sweating to the oldies too much in your pool or you are going to plug up your cartridge filter with all that oil. Make sure the old ladies are all wearing hair nets before getting in the pool. Actually, pick one up for yourself too Richard.
Brittney Spears - Oops I did it again...is what Britney would say every time she brings a water sample into the pool store to have her chemical levels checked. The pool will be green because the guy that used to clean her pool weekly ended up having some kids with her. They got married but it didn't work out and now he is not around to help keep the pool maintained well. In a bout of frustration with poor water quality in her pool Britney shaved all the leaves off the trees in her backyard. It did not help to fix the pool but it does help to distract people from how dirty the pool is.
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